Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
