his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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