God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
