Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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