At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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