a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
