ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
