We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
