Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
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Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
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I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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