she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
