dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
