he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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