she was so not down for the gang bang
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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