Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
