Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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