I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
