Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Randomize
