theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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