Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Text me some of your sweat
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
