I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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