there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
