Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
