my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
time to smoke my breakfast
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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