I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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