I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
