I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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