happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
