The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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