Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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