when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
