Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
