Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
