I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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