lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
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You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
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YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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