The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
