just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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