dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
