My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
