Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
