She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
