I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
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He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
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I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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