Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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