I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
