I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
