The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
