just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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