I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
