How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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