i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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