You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just had sex on a roof
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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