My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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