I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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