True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I AM VODKA MAN
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
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