why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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