Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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