my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
